\chapauth{kerimeton} \chapter{White} When the white ward doors opened on that chestnut autumn day I was reminded of the front doors of my garden shed in Vermont. I remember feeling cold the same way I did that day, not in a classical sense but down to the bone. I was feeling an abominable chill as if I had been pumped full of antifreeze the moment the doors came into view. And also, much like my garden shed, I was afraid was what was there. Whether my fears were tangible or not was to be proven, I myself, I no longer cared for the suffering trumped any fear or loathing I felt. I walked down the plasticine hallways and kept my head down; chin on chest. It was as if a weight of shame had been strapped to my neck and my only option was to walk like a sorry prisoner. ``Admission?`` the barrel-chested nurse asked behind her oak podium. ``Yes'' ``Which ward`` she continued with the expression of an aghast ape. ''Psychiatry`` ``Name.'' She was curt and unwavering. No doubt the brain behind that placid face was as rudimentary as a record player. "Luke Barvarious'' I paused. ``Barvarious, Luke'' She nodded curtly as if to suggest that I had somehow made that record player run more smoothly. ``Reason for admission'' It was neither a question nor a statement. She prattled it off as if she was in bored haze. ``I don't know'' She paused and stared at me. It was hard and cold as if she was trying to read my ill intentions. She failed due to a lack of any. ``Mr.Barvarian'' ``Barvarious'' ``Mr. Barvarious'' she repeated, still saying it wrong, ``I suppose I can admit you to a psychologist but I cannot do further for now.'' ``I see'' ``You understand'' she said with a matte expression, ``that is the procedure for all self admissions'' I took a seat in front of the office and waited. I was soon called in and immediately expressed my distaste for the poor classical music on the loudspeakers. The psychiatrist ignored me on that point. She reminded me of a wooden plank in personality and stature. ``The report says your 25?'' ``Yes'' She seemed puzzled. ``Well, can I ask why you admitted yourself?'' ``It started years ago'' I said in deep thought, ``I remember that my mother was ill and the doctor was recommending some futile medicine. I was barely 12 then but I knew he was wrong.'' ``I see'' I proceeded, ``I insisted and insisted but I failed to be heard.'' ``Interesting'', at this moment her assistant came in and a word was whispered into her ear. I failed to realize the significance of this and continued. ``It turns out I was right, but due to the fact of my age my words were ignored and cast aside.'' The physiatrist seemed puzzled again but told me to continue. ``It's been going on even since a younger age. Nobody takes me seriously. When I was young is was due to my youth and in my older years it was because of my youthful appearance.'' ``I see'' ``I recall observing a fire being put out on a Sunday evening. I remember pleading the firemen to take the back route but I was continually ignored,'' I paused in repose. ``Do you see what I mean, where I'm coming from?'' The lady got up and treaded lightly on the floor. It appeared as if she had taken a tome of information from what I had said. She walked to the alcove and poured herself a glass of water. She told me quietly that she wondered why this was affecting me now and why it took so long for me to come to her. I replied that I didn't think that was much help, to which the doctor replied that she was the trained psychiatrist here. We paused in stifling silence and I realized that the meeting was over long before I came in. I felt choked in the stuffy room as if I was wearing a sweater in a sauna. There was an uncomfortable aura around the couch and the plants that I felt uncomfortable with. The urge to stand up ran through my legs but was confronted with the sound of a knock on the door. The doctor stood up and led the uniformed men in, they held me down and I knew resistance was futile. I could not understand the predicament though I understood the pain of the tightened straitjacket. Once again I was muffled and thrown in the room leaving them only to wonder how I had escaped in the first place.