mirror of https://github.com/nealey/Horrors2
169 lines
4.9 KiB
TeX
169 lines
4.9 KiB
TeX
\chapauth{mboger}
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\chapter{Luke From Payroll}
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I sat down at my desk. The sound had come again. It was my phone
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ringing. My hand shook slightly with the heavy receiver in my hand.
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The sleek receiver was transmitting and receiving, ready to take
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the call. I work in the payroll department. My name is Luke
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Bavarious. I hate my fucking job.
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People had been complaining about discrepancies in their paychecks
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for about a year now, so I finally decided to execute the plan I
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had been working on for as long as I can remember. I was assigned
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to raise the Demon Lord Gol'Sothog from the fiery pits of
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hell.
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I spoke into the phone, ``Payroll, this is Bavarious. Luke
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Bavarious.''
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On the other end of the line, ``Hey, Lou, this is Bill Taylor over
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in{\ldots}''
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``Luke,'' I interrupted. ``The name is Luke Bavarious.''
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``Ok, sorry. Whatever. The reason I'm calling is{\ldots}''
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``Say it,'' I interrupted again.
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``What?''
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I was starting to lose my cool. ``Luke. Bavarious. {\bf Luke! Fucking!
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Bavarious!}''
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``Jesus, Luke! Sorry! Luke Bavarious, Luke Bavarious, Luke
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Bavarious,'' Bill sniveled into the phone. He doesn't deserve to
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live and it was then I made up my mind. ``Man, you need to switch to
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decaf. Listen, -Luke-. I have a problem on my last paycheck. I had
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3 hours of overtime last week that I wasn't paid for and Debbie
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over in HR told me to take it up with you.''
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Over the last year or so, I, Luke Bavarious, have been slowly
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syphoning money out of employee paychecks to fund my Demon Lord
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Gol'Sothog sacrificial altar. Twenty bucks here, fifty bucks there.
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It adds up.
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``Not a problem, Bob,'' intentionally mistaking his name and then
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pausing for him to respond. He doesn't. He's so pathetic, he makes
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me vomit in my mouth a little bit and then I have to force myself
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to swallow it down. He's barely worthy of sacrificing to
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Gol'Thogthog, but he'll do. And because he made me swallow my own
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vomit, his sacrifice will be slow and painful. ``I see the missing
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hours here. Why don't you come up to my office and I'll square you
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away.''
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``Sounds good. I'll be right up!'' The phone disconnects.
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He's fallen for my ruse. Hook. Line. And Sinker. And Luke
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Bavarious.
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I have about two minutes to prepare, but that's two more minutes
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than I need. I'm Luke Bavarious, always prepared. I'm hiding behind
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the door with a syringe full of knock-out serum when Bill enters my
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office. He doesn't even put up a struggle as I slide the syringe
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into his neck, the needle vomiting forth sweet slumber into his
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veins.
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Bill doesn't wake up until just after midnight. I had waited until
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everyone had left the office for the night before loading Bill into
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the back of my Dodge SRT-4. A lot of people think the SRT-4 is just
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a Dodge Neon with a turbo, but fuck those guys, I love this car. I
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drove my totally sweet SRT-4 to the secret location of the Demon
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Lord Gol'Sahblah sacrificial altar and waited.
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Bill's eyes open and he tries to speak, but he can't. Did I mention
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that my knock-out serum was also a paralyzing toxin? Bavarious!
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Bill is laying on a solid gold altar, surrounded by dark, fiendish
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incense burners. Expensive incense. I had to import it from
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Thailand and everything. This is why I was skimming money from
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paychecks. Have you ever priced a solid gold sacrificial altar? I
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mean, it's not like you can just walk into Bed Bath and Beyond and
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pick one out. This shit is expensive.
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I raise the jewel encrusted ceremonial sacrificial dagger over
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Bill's body. His eyes widen in terror. It's the only movement he's
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capable of making, thanks to the knock-out / paralyzing toxic serum,
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which also wasn't cheap, by the way. I can't stress enough how much
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money this whole thing has set me back.
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I began chanting. With each long forgotten word uttered, I can feel
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the power in the room increasing. A dark mist begins to swirl and
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in that mist I see another dimension. Closer, closer, two worlds
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are becoming one. There is only one last thing left to do. I plunge
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the dagger into Bill's heart and the ever so slowly twist the
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blade. I lean over and whisper into Bill's hear, ``Bavarious.''
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I'm then instantly thrown to the ground as an interdimensional rift
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opens, unleashing the Demon Lord Gol'Sobeys from his hellish
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prison. The Demon Lord smiles at me and I smile back.
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``{\bf You have done well, Luke Bavarious. Now that I am free, there
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will be no stopping me. I will rule this world and everyone who
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inhabits it.}''
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``All glory be to Gol'Bladder!,'' I shout.
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``{\bf You have shown yourself to be a faithful servant. As such, you
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shall be rewarded. You will be my right hand when I enslave this puny
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world. You will hold the highest rank in my army. The rank of Payroll
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Administrator.}''
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I staggered backwards and fell onto a desk that had materialized
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behind me. A nameplate sparkled on the side of the desk. Bavarious.
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I picked up the phone and heard a horrible ring tone. Suddenly, I
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was sobbing.
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The moral of the story: Kids should be respected and listened
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to.
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