+ This was written by Paul H. Henry. His web site is no longer on-line. + I feel this is important enough to preserve for future aspiring jokesters. + I have preserved all links and tried to reproduce the formatting in the + style of my pages. I could not stomach the all-caps headings, and + capitalized them more or less by whimsy. +
+ +----- + ++ Sunday, May 27, 2001 +
+ +A Proposal to the Internet Community +------------------------------------ + +Dear Readers, + +Since the Internet first extended its reach into the popular +consciousness—and, truth be told, for quite a while before that—a +plague has spread throughout the Internet community, propagating +itself viruslike through the Web and into our e-mail boxes. Like the +worst infections, it started out innocuously and became malignant so +gradually that most of us have yet to realize how detrimental it truly +is. + +I refer, of course, to the joke haiku. + +Like a hideous genetic mutation in a 1950s-era grade-B science fiction +film, these seventeen-syllable poems have been borrowed from classical +Japanese culture by well-meaning would-be humorists and distorted so +completely from their original intended use that they threaten to +permanently warp our capacity for humorous expression, if they are not +stopped. + +I therefore make this proposal to you, my fellow Internet enthusiasts: +that as of right now, we agree to completely eliminate the production +and propagation of joke haiku on the Internet. Don't write them, +don't forward them to your friends, don't even acknowledge their +existence. Only through concerted effort can we stamp out this menace +completely. + +I list my reasons for this drastic step below. + +It is not my intention to hold any individual people up for ridicule, +so all of the joke haiku below, with a few exceptions noted in the +text, are my own invention (it wasn't exactly hard to do, which as +I'll explain below is part of the problem). Those who wish to see +real-world examples of the qualities I describe have +[no](http://www.barhaiku.20m.com/) +[shortage](http://www.igs.net/~mtr/haiku-reviews/) +[of](http://www.planetquake.com/que/haiku/haiku.htm) +[places](http://www.plastic.com/users.pl?nick=HaikuGuy) +[to](http://www.twinkiesproject.com/haiku.html) +[go](http://pemtropics.mit.edu/~jcho/editorial/) + +----- + +Joke Haiku are Too Easy To Write. +--------------------------------- + +I've long lamented the way rhyme and meter have largely fallen into +disuse in modern poetry, not because free verse is inherently inferior +to the sonnet or other forms of rhymed, metered poetry—it isn't—but +because it's convinced a lot of extremely untalented people that they +can write poetry too. After all, how hard can it be to write 20 short +lines that don't even have to rhyme? + +Such is the sad fate of the haiku, that quiet, moving Japanese +literary device that's become abused beyond recognition by two-bit +Internet comedians and hacks. We all learned in second grade that a +haiku consists of seventeen syllables arranged into three unrhymed +lines of five, seven, and five syllables respectively. Because that's +all most of us remember about the haiku, it's used by many, many +people as a device for coming up with pithy nuggets of humorous +wisdom. + +The problem is that it doesn't take a genius to come up with seventeen +syllables about anything. For example: + + Lame flying saucers + You can see the fishing line + What a bad movie. + +It took me all of about ten seconds to write that. Here, I'll do +another one: + + Where's my other sock? + It disappeared in the wash + How did that happen? + +I hardly feel that these two stupid poems mark me as being clever or +witty in any way, yet I defy anyone to show that they're any less +interesting or worthy of praise and/or laughter than any other joke +haiku—the point being that if I can crank out two serviceable joke +haiku in less than a minute, they're fairly useless as a measure of +humor ability. + +What gets me is that by and large the people who create and appreciate +joke haiku seem to be the same kind of people who would sneer at the +sub-Ogden Nash doggerel that newspaper readers send in to be published +next to the Junior Jumble, yet their own well-loved poems aren't +appreciably different in any material way, besides not including +pitiful stabs at creating a workable rhyme. + + +Joke Haiku Debase a Respected Japanese Art Form going back Hundreds of Years. +----------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Like a tattoo of Japanese kanji characters on the ankle of a pierced +hipster who has no idea what they mean, haiku is a sad example of the +conversion of important aspects of Eastern culture into status symbols +for those in the know. +[Basho](http://www.big.or.jp/~loupe/links/ehisto/ebasho.shtml) and +[Issa](http://webusers.xula.edu/dlanoue/issa/) +didn't devote their lives to the perfection of an art form so you could +use it to crack wise about how your cat box smells when you don't clean it +enough. Think about it. + + +Joke Haiku Don't Respect the Haiku Form. +---------------------------------------- + +It may come as a surprise to the vast majority of would-be comedians +on the Net, most of whom don't know haiku from Hai Karate, that +there's much more to haiku than simply stringing seventeen syllables +together. + +For starters, the vast majority of joke haiku writers aren't writing +haiku at all, they're writing senryu, whether they know it or not. +One of the most important aspects of classical haiku is the kigo, or +season word, which indicates the season in which the poem is set. +Kigo can express the season directly or through implication. For +example, many Japanese haiku refer to cherry blossoms, which are a +sign of spring. Kigo in English-language American haiku might include +the start of Daylight Saving Time (for spring), school letting out +(summer), football season (fall), and Christmas (winter). The concept +of kigo is vitally important to haiku poets, many of whom compile +lists of appropriate words. Senryu, by comparison, generally follow +the conventions of haiku but don't require kigo. + +Haiku are about nature and seasons. Without the kigo, it's a senryu. +Really. + +The second concept universally ignored by joke haiku writers is the +cutting. More prevalent in Japanese haiku than in other languages, +the cutting is a word or other construction that serves to +conceptually separate the first or second segment of the haiku from +the remainder of the poem. Jennifer Jensen points to +[a fine example of cutting](http://www.peavine.com/haiku/cuttingwords.html), +from the 17th century haiku master Basho: + + Kutabirete + yado karu koro ya + fuji no hana + +which in English is translated: + + When worn out + And seeking an inn: + Wisteria flowers! + +The cutting word above is the Japanese ya, which doesn't translate to +English well; it more or less signals a break in thought, +transitioning the reader from Basho's fatigue during his journey to +the implied joy he feels when spotting the beautiful wisteria. In +Robert Aitken's translation, the cutting word is expressed as a colon. + +The cutting is a vital part of haiku, transforming one poem into two, +which reflect each other while retaining their independence from one +another. By comparison, joke haiku writers typically bull through to +the end at maximum speed as though they're trying to get home before +WWF Thursday Night Smackdown starts: + + Cutting my toenails + I cut too deep and I bleed + all over the rug. + +Ironically, the one rule to which every joke haiku does +conform—seventeen syllables in three metrical units of five, seven, +and five—isn't even a hard and fast rule in English-language haiku. +Because of significant differences in the ways syllables are treated +in Japanese and Western languages, many non-Japanese haiku poets +choose to vary the number of syllables and even the number of lines, +in order to more accurately convey the spirit of the haiku. + + +Joke Haiku are used by Pseudo-Intellectual Poseurs to imbue Banal and Uninspired Quips with Undeserved Cachet. +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I hasten to point out that not all joke haiku writers are +pseudo-intellectual poseurs. Indeed, if you write joke haiku, the +fact that you've read this far indicates an open-mindedness of which +you should be proud. Yet it can hardly be denied that many, many +people use the haiku form to dress up the most mundane, unfunny +ruminations imaginable in pseudo-profound wordplay to make them appear +to be timeless observations on society and humankind spawned by a +truly talented wordsmith. + +For proof we need look no further than [the bizarre proliferation of +Web pages devoted to haiku about Spam](http://www.google.com/search?hl=en&lr=&safe=off&q=spam-haiku), +the processed luncheon meat. There are thousands upon thousands of +Spam haiku on pages all over the Web, some of which have even been +collected into [a book](http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060952784/o/qid=991000100/sr=2-1/ref=aps_sr_b_1_1/002-6531517-3988017), +and all of which say essentially the same +thing: Spam is bad food. We need nearly two thousand Web pages to +convey this idea? + +Of course, the fact that this idea is conveyed through mock-profound +poetry helps conceal the subtle contempt that the authors feel towards +the kind of people who eat Spam, which they probably bought at +Wal-Mart along with their Velveeta, Wonder Bread, and Garth Brooks +CDs. In some lame-ass flyover state like Arkansas or Nebraska. Not +Our People, in other words. Why, they've probably never even heard of +haiku. + +Which is not to suggest that all joke haiku are about making fun of +the yokels. Far from it. People write joke haiku about art, music, +current events, and many other different subjects. But at the heart +of all of them is the fact that the author wrote seventeen syllables +of unrhymed doggerel and borrows the cachet of a traditional Japanese +art form to pass it off as inspired quirkiness. + +Consider this example: + + Milk after five months + in my refrigerator + tastes just horrible. + +The point being made here is that sour milk tastes bad. Yet if I were +to post it to a joke haiku bulletin board, or scribble it on a napkin +at Denny's at 2:30 am and pass it around to my +very-pleased-with-their-own-wit friends, this singularly uninteresting +observation would garner laughs and praise and make me look like a +very droll person indeed. + +The insidious danger of the joke haiku, therefore, is that the +distinction between the insightful and the banal becomes blurred by +the unearned credibility that accrues to it. + +So far we've explored the ways in which joke haiku are an affront to, +respectively, cleverness, classical Japanese poets, the haiku form +itself, and genuine observational humor. All of these might be +forgivable to some degree if not for the final and most important +point of all: + + +Joke Haiku are Never Funny. +--------------------------- + +"Never" might be an exaggeration, but the vast majority of joke haiku +posted to the Internet just aren't funny. Short enough to take the +form of a simple sentence, the typical joke haiku is just that: a +brief observational sentence about some random aspect of life. When +shorn of its haiku form, its true banality emerges. + +Consider the example I posted above: + + Milk after five months + in my refrigerator + tastes just horrible. + +This poem is easily the equal of any number of joke haiku posted or +e-mailed anywhere on the Internet. Yet look at what happens when I +remove the line breaks: + + Milk after five months in my refrigerator tastes just horrible. + +What once might have elicited satisfied chuckles from joke haiku +aficionados becomes an excruciatingly average observation that +illuminates nothing other than the author's slovenly approach to +foodstuff maintenance. Of course, you don't have to take my word for +it; try it on any joke haiku you encounter and see if it retains even +a fraction of its whimsy. + +----- + +Haiku writers, don't despair. I do not seek to tear down without +building up in its place. I propose that joke haiku writers and +aficionados shift their allegiance to a form that I consider to be far +superior for its purposes: the limerick. + +Where once limericks were unimaginably popular in the mass media, they +have of late fallen upon hard times, replaced by joke haiku and other +inferior vehicles. I propose nothing less than the wholesale +resurrection of the limerick as the poetic form of choice for humorous +musings on the Internet and elsewhere. Our task will not be easy, but +through will and determination we can make it a reality. + +There are several reasons why limericks are superior to haiku for the +purposes of humor transmission: + + +Limericks are Inherently Goofy. +------------------------------- + +As Carl Kasell and the rest of the folks at the NPR quiz show +[Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me](http://www.npr.org/programs/waitwait/) +know, nothing says "serious" less than a limerick. +Nobody ever wrote a love poem in limerick form. There's a reason why +[If](http://www.duke.edu/~bub/if.htm) and +[The Charge of the Light Brigade](http://eserver.org/poetry/light-brigade.html) +were not written as limericks. + +Haiku, on the other hand, is a universally recognized art form and +gains nothing from being trivialized. Whereas once there might have +been some humor value in taking something as serious as haiku and +transforming it into a vehicle for goofy doggerel, that value was +surely lost long ago through endless repetition. + + +Limericks provide a Frisson Of Naughtiness that is Ideally Suited to Jokery. +---------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Even the staid Encyclopaedia Britannica observes that limericks are +"[frequently ribald](http://www.britannica.com/eb/article?eu=49443&tocid=0)." +The low reputation of the limerick is such that even the most G-rated +limerick suggests a dirty joke through its form and rhythm alone. And +of course if telling a dirty joke is your intention, there's no +shortage of possibilities regarding the genitalia of the girl from +Regina, or the sexual proclivities of men who drive trucks. The jokes +practically suggest themselves. + + +Limericks have No Proud Tradition to Debase. +-------------------------------------------- + +Real haiku can prompt a transcendental experience, as their spare form +and rigid structure transport you to a florid Japanese garden in the +17th century, or a snow-blasted forest miles from civilization. +Limericks just conjure up some ne'er-do-well in a Dublin pub, his +breath marinating you in cheap alcohol as he regales you with made-up +tales of the latest fair lassie to grace his stinking bed. Limericks +have never pretended to be anything but a wink and a nod and are +therefore an ideal medium for such inspired foolishness. + + +Limericks Take some Thought to Write. +------------------------------------- + +Any moderately intelligent person could easily toss off several joke +haiku a minute, and they'd all be neither better nor worse than the +average specimens on the Internet. Limericks, however, require that +attention be paid to meter and that acceptable rhyming words be found. +Whereas the ability to write a "good" joke haiku only marks one as not +being in a coma, the ability to write a good limerick sets one apart +as a creative force. + +Consider this haiku about commuting: + + Sitting in my car + I watch the time tick away + This traffic sure sucks. + +Pedestrian and boring, it took all of ten seconds to write. To write +a limerick on the same subject, one must work much harder: + + Nothing's worse, there can be no dispute, + Than my everyday average commute. + In my car long I sit. + I just might throw a fit + If I can't find an alternate route. + +Okay, so it's not the best limerick that's ever been written, but in a +way that's exactly my point. This stuff's not easy to do. Do it well +and you'll be recognized as a witty person. + +(Now, if you *really* want to impress people, try writing a few +[double dactyls](http://www.stinky.com/dactyl/).) + + +A Limerick Provides the Writer with More Structural Freedom with which to Convey A Point. +----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The best haiku boil down to their barest essence a multitude of +feelings, perceptions, and truths about the world and the things and +people that live on it. Joke haiku, on the other hand, are all about +rustling up a cheap laugh or two. Now, I do not mean to denigrate the +cheap laugh; indeed, much of my success in social circles depends on +it. But I would suggest that the restrictive form of the haiku, while +ideally suited to the minimalist observations of classical poets, may +not be the best vehicle for conveying humor. The seventeen-syllable +limit, which is further restricted by the two line breaks, just +doesn't provide the writer with enough room to convey anything but the +most basic of ideas. + +By comparison, the poetic possibilities available just within the +strictures of the "There once was a \_\_\_\_\_ from \_\_\_\_\_" form are nearly +limitless. Why, one could fill a book with verse about the residents +of [Nantucket](http://www.nantucketonline.com) alone. + + +----- + +The time has come to take drastic measures. I therefore call upon +every member of the Internet community to take this solemn pledge: + ++ "I PLEDGE NEVER TO WRITE ANOTHER JOKE HAIKU, AND NEVER TO PARTICIPATE + IN THE PROMOTION OR PROPAGATION OF JOKE HAIKU ON THE INTERNET." +
+ +Take the pledge and liberate yourself from the self-imposed strictures +that limit your creative freedom. Join others who have pledged to +improve themselves and the Internet sites and e-mail boxes they love. + +If we are to be successful, dear readers, it will be through your +efforts and determination. Tell your friends about this proposal and +urge them to pitch in. With your help, we can look forward to a joke +haiku-free Internet. + +