From efb34fb0ff08d48e15f265198c4afe38ce58424c Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001
From: Neale Pickett <neale@woozle.org>
Date: Sat, 8 Jul 2017 21:44:35 +0000
Subject: [PATCH] JavaScript letter generator

---
 git-logo.png       | Bin 208 -> 0 bytes
 gplus.png          | Bin 2025 -> 0 bytes
 toys/index.md      |   2 +-
 toys/letter.md     | 124 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
 toys/smalltalk.cgi | 114 -----------------------------------------
 5 files changed, 125 insertions(+), 115 deletions(-)
 delete mode 100644 git-logo.png
 delete mode 100644 gplus.png
 create mode 100644 toys/letter.md
 delete mode 100755 toys/smalltalk.cgi

diff --git a/git-logo.png b/git-logo.png
deleted file mode 100644
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diff --git a/gplus.png b/gplus.png
deleted file mode 100644
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diff --git a/toys/index.md b/toys/index.md
index 1d5bf63..a351df1 100644
--- a/toys/index.md
+++ b/toys/index.md
@@ -6,7 +6,7 @@ Maybe you'll just wonder why I spend so much time on this garbage.
 * Download my [presentation timer](timer.html) for use in any modern
   browser.
 * If you need to write someone a letter but really don't want to, try my
-  [smalltalk generator](smalltalk.cgi).
+  [social letter generator](letter.html).
 * Maybe you'd rather see a [magic trick](omg-magic.html)?
 * How about some [Internet Reiki](reiki.html)?
 * [Crunt](crunt.html).
diff --git a/toys/letter.md b/toys/letter.md
new file mode 100644
index 0000000..801f7b7
--- /dev/null
+++ b/toys/letter.md
@@ -0,0 +1,124 @@
+Title: Social Letter Generator
+
+<button onclick="init();" style="float: right;">Regenerate</button>
+
+<p>
+  <span id="intro"></span>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+  <span id="first"></span>
+  <span id="shits"></span>
+</p>
+
+<p>
+  <span id="closer"></span>
+</p>
+
+
+<script>
+intro = [
+  "How's it going?",
+  "How's the weather?",
+  "Hi!",
+  "I hate your guts!",
+  "How's the gonnorhea?",
+  "Greetings from Hotel Hell!"
+];
+
+first = [
+  "I hope things are going well for you and dear wossname.",
+  "I apologize for taking so long to write you: it's just that I hate your guts.",
+  "Found any tasty roadkill lately?",
+  "It's finally cooling off here.",
+  "It's been hot as hell here!",
+  "The mice are after my lucky charms.",
+  "Everything's going great in the new place.",
+  "I hope everyone is your family is still mostly free of bullet holes.",
+  "How are the kids?",
+  "Things here are crazy as usual.",
+  "My feet look like tomatoes!",
+  "I really appreciated that forward you sent me.",
+  "Sometimes I wish I were a shark, and could eat my boss.",
+  "Do you ever see the resemblance between scrambled eggs and WWII-era British gunboats?",
+  "Boy, does our dog fart a lot!"
+];
+
+shit = [
+  "We're only now recovering from our guests.",
+  "Sometimes I wonder if my body parts are made of toast.",
+  "Did you catch the latest episode of popular reality show?",
+  "I should probably go pee.",
+  "The dog has been eating a lot of poo lately.",
+  "Ha ha ha!",
+  "But like I always say, \"if you can't stand the heat, bomb the utilites department!\"",
+  "Beets are an under-utilized fruit when it comes to industrial construction techniques, don't you think?",
+  "We've been doing a lot of work on the toilet in the last few weeks.",
+  "Mom never told me it would be like this when I grew up!",
+  "Know what I mean?",
+  "Sometimes I like to dress up and play nurse with the neighbors.",
+  "Our plants are doing well.",
+  "Doug is finally out on parole.",
+  "Yesterday, little Jimmy blew up another Dairy Queen.",
+  "The weather here has been really weathery in recent days.",
+  "The doctor says I have a good chance of recovery if I can quit eating glass.",
+  "Last month we investigated different uses for a bloody, severed arm.",
+  "Congolese mercenaries have taken our food processor hostage and are demanding a ransom.",
+  "Hey, will snake venom stain silk?",
+  "I keep digging and digging but I don't think I'm ever going to get those pesky shinbones out of my legs.",
+  "My bowel movements have never been better!",
+  "I got screened for colon cancer last week.",
+  "Who knew?",
+  "Turns out those lumps in my legs were something called \"kneecaps\".",
+  "The lawn is a constant source of stress.",
+  "Yesterday I fell down the stairs.",
+  "No, really!",
+  "We keep hearing about these killer bees, but I think they're just a myth.",
+  "This summer we're going to try ice fishing for the first time!",
+  "Yesterday I won the statewide tiddlywinks championship!",
+  "Sometimes I just want to give up.",
+  "Junior finally made first chair in marching band, not that you'd care.",
+  "Aunt Marge is finally talking about getting out of prostitution.",
+  "Thank goodness!",
+  "Ever notice how if you sit around long enough, you start to get dusty?",
+  "Do you know how to get blood out of carpet?  I mean, a lot of it.",
+  "I've also noticed a sharp increase in the number of leprechauns dancing in the sink."
+];
+
+closing = [
+  "Well, I'd better be going.",
+  "Oops, the dog just puked on the baby!",
+  "Whoa Nellie, the TV just exploded!",
+  "Uh oh, I think that burning smell is coming from the kitchen!",
+  "I'd love to keep writing, but actually I wouldn't.",
+  "Hey, nice writing you, but please don't respond or I'll have to do it again.",
+  "Keep in touch!",
+  "I hate your guts!",
+  "Wow, was that a meteor that just hit the shed?",
+  "I'd love to keep writing but I have to stare at my fingernails now.",
+  "Oh hey look at the time.",
+  "We're all eagerly anticipating your next insane diatribe.",
+  "Please keep the letters coming!  We're running out of kindling for the stove!",
+  "Talk to you later."
+];
+
+function choice(a) {
+  var max = Math.floor(a.length * Math.random());
+  return a[max];
+}
+
+function init() {
+  document.getElementById("intro").textContent = choice(intro);
+  document.getElementById("first").textContent = choice(first);
+  document.getElementById("closer").textContent = choice(closing);
+  
+  var nshits = Math.floor(Math.random() * 5) + 5;
+  var shits = [];
+  for (var i = 0; i < nshits; i += 1) {
+    shits.push(choice(shit));
+  }
+  document.getElementById("shits").textContent = shits.join(" ");
+}
+
+window.addEventListener("load", init);
+</script>
\ No newline at end of file
diff --git a/toys/smalltalk.cgi b/toys/smalltalk.cgi
deleted file mode 100755
index f70620d..0000000
--- a/toys/smalltalk.cgi
+++ /dev/null
@@ -1,114 +0,0 @@
-#! /bin/sh
-
-cd $(dirname $0)
-
-intro () {
-    shuf -n 1 <<EOF
-How's it going?
-How's the weather?
-Hi!
-I hate your guts!
-How's the gonnorhea?
-Greetings from Hotel Hell!
-EOF
-}
-
-first () {
-    shuf -n 1 <<EOF
-It's finally cooling off here.
-It's been hot as hell here!
-The mice are after my lucky charms.
-Everything's going great in the new place.
-Shot anything lately?
-How are the kids?
-Things here are crazy as usual.
-My feet look like tomatoes!
-I really appreciated that forward you sent me.
-Sometimes I wish I were a shark, and could eat my boss.
-Do you ever see the resemblance between scrambled eggs and WWII-era British gunboats?
-Boy, does our dog fart a lot!
-EOF
-}
-
-shit () {
-    shuf -n ${1:-1} <<EOF
-We're only now recovering from our guests.
-Sometimes I wonder if my body parts are made of toast.
-Did you catch the latest episode of popular reality show?
-I should probably go pee.
-The dog has been eating a lot of poo lately.
-Ha ha ha!
-But like I always say, "if you can't stand the heat, bomb the utilites department!"
-Beets are an under-utilized fruit when it comes to industrial construction techniques, don't you think?
-We've been doing a lot of work on the toilet in the last few weeks.
-Mom never told me it would be like this when I grew up!
-Know what I mean?
-Sometimes I like to dress up and play nurse with the neighbors.
-Our plants are doing well.
-Doug is finally out on parole.
-Yesterday, little Jimmy blew up another Dairy Queen.
-The weather here has been really weathery in recent days.
-The doctor says I have a good chance of recovery if I can quit eating glass.
-Last month we investigated different uses for a bloody, severed arm.
-Congolese mercenaries have taken our food processor hostage and are demanding a ransom.
-Hey, will snake venom stain silk?
-I keep digging and digging but I don't think I'm ever going to get those pesky shinbones out of my legs.
-My bowel movements have never been better!
-I got screened for colon cancer last week.
-Who knew?
-Turns out those lumps in my legs were something called "kneecaps".
-The lawn is a constant source of stress.
-Yesterday I fell down the stairs.
-No, really!
-We keep hearing about these killer bees, but I think they're just a myth.
-This summer we're going to try ice fishing for the first time!
-Yesterday I won the statewide tiddlywinks championship!
-Sometimes I just want to give up.
-Junior finally made first chair in marching band, not that you'd care.
-Aunt Marge is finally talking about getting out of prostitution.
-Thank goodness!
-Ever notice how if you sit around long enough, you start to get dusty?
-Do you know how to get blood out of carpet?  I mean, a lot of it.
-I've also noticed a sharp increase in the number of leprechauns dancing in the sink.
-EOF
-}
-
-closing () {
-    shuf -n 1 <<EOF
-Well, I'd better be going.
-Oops, the dog just puked on the baby!
-Whoa Nellie, the TV just exploded!
-Uh oh, I think that burning smell is coming from the kitchen!
-I'd love to keep writing, but actually I wouldn't.
-Hey, nice writing you, but please don't respond or I'll have to do it again.
-Keep in touch!
-I hate your guts!
-Wow, was that a meteor that just hit the shed?
-I'd love to keep writing but I have to stare at my fingernails now.
-Oh hey look at the time.
-We're all eagerly anticipating your next insane diatribe.
-Please keep the letters coming!  We're running out of kindling for the stove!
-Talk to you later.
-EOF
-}
-
-randint () {
-    seq $1 $2 | shuf -n 1
-}
-
-echo 'Content-type: text/html'
-echo
-(
-    echo 'Title: Smalltalk Generator'
-    echo
-    intro
-    echo
-    first
-    shit $(randint 5 10)
-    echo
-    closing
-    echo
-    echo '---'
-    echo
-    echo 'Reload for a new letter!'
-) | ../mdwntohtml ../template.m4