115 lines
3.6 KiB
Bash
Executable File
115 lines
3.6 KiB
Bash
Executable File
#! /bin/sh
|
|
|
|
cd $(dirname $0)
|
|
|
|
intro () {
|
|
shuf -n 1 <<EOF
|
|
How's it going?
|
|
How's the weather?
|
|
Hi!
|
|
I hate your guts!
|
|
How's the gonnorhea?
|
|
Greetings from Hotel Hell!
|
|
EOF
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
first () {
|
|
shuf -n 1 <<EOF
|
|
It's finally cooling off here.
|
|
It's been hot as hell here!
|
|
The mice are after my lucky charms.
|
|
Everything's going great in the new place.
|
|
Shot anything lately?
|
|
How are the kids?
|
|
Things here are crazy as usual.
|
|
My feet look like tomatoes!
|
|
I really appreciated that forward you sent me.
|
|
Sometimes I wish I were a shark, and could eat my boss.
|
|
Do you ever see the resemblance between scrambled eggs and WWII-era British gunboats?
|
|
Boy, does our dog fart a lot!
|
|
EOF
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
shit () {
|
|
shuf -n ${1:-1} <<EOF
|
|
We're only now recovering from our guests.
|
|
Sometimes I wonder if my body parts are made of toast.
|
|
Did you catch the latest episode of popular reality show?
|
|
I should probably go pee.
|
|
The dog has been eating a lot of poo lately.
|
|
Ha ha ha!
|
|
But like I always say, "if you can't stand the heat, bomb the utilites department!"
|
|
Beets are an under-utilized fruit when it comes to industrial construction techniques, don't you think?
|
|
We've been doing a lot of work on the toilet in the last few weeks.
|
|
Mom never told me it would be like this when I grew up!
|
|
Know what I mean?
|
|
Sometimes I like to dress up and play nurse with the neighbors.
|
|
Our plants are doing well.
|
|
Doug is finally out on parole.
|
|
Yesterday, little Jimmy blew up another Dairy Queen.
|
|
The weather here has been really weathery in recent days.
|
|
The doctor says I have a good chance of recovery if I can quit eating glass.
|
|
Last month we investigated different uses for a bloody, severed arm.
|
|
Congolese mercenaries have taken our food processor hostage and are demanding a ransom.
|
|
Hey, will snake venom stain silk?
|
|
I keep digging and digging but I don't think I'm ever going to get those pesky shinbones out of my legs.
|
|
My bowel movements have never been better!
|
|
I got screened for colon cancer last week.
|
|
Who knew?
|
|
Turns out those lumps in my legs were something called "kneecaps".
|
|
The lawn is a constant source of stress.
|
|
Yesterday I fell down the stairs.
|
|
No, really!
|
|
We keep hearing about these killer bees, but I think they're just a myth.
|
|
This summer we're going to try ice fishing for the first time!
|
|
Yesterday I won the statewide tiddlywinks championship!
|
|
Sometimes I just want to give up.
|
|
Junior finally made first chair in marching band, not that you'd care.
|
|
Aunt Marge is finally talking about getting out of prostitution.
|
|
Thank goodness!
|
|
Ever notice how if you sit around long enough, you start to get dusty?
|
|
Do you know how to get blood out of carpet? I mean, a lot of it.
|
|
I've also noticed a sharp increase in the number of leprechauns dancing in the sink.
|
|
EOF
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
closing () {
|
|
shuf -n 1 <<EOF
|
|
Well, I'd better be going.
|
|
Oops, the dog just puked on the baby!
|
|
Whoa Nellie, the TV just exploded!
|
|
Uh oh, I think that burning smell is coming from the kitchen!
|
|
I'd love to keep writing, but actually I wouldn't.
|
|
Hey, nice writing you, but please don't respond or I'll have to do it again.
|
|
Keep in touch!
|
|
I hate your guts!
|
|
Wow, was that a meteor that just hit the shed?
|
|
I'd love to keep writing but I have to stare at my fingernails now.
|
|
Oh hey look at the time.
|
|
We're all eagerly anticipating your next insane diatribe.
|
|
Please keep the letters coming! We're running out of kindling for the stove!
|
|
Talk to you later.
|
|
EOF
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
randint () {
|
|
seq $1 $2 | shuf -n 1
|
|
}
|
|
|
|
echo 'Content-type: text/html'
|
|
echo
|
|
(
|
|
echo 'Title: Smalltalk Generator'
|
|
echo
|
|
intro
|
|
echo
|
|
first
|
|
shit $(randint 5 10)
|
|
echo
|
|
closing
|
|
echo
|
|
echo '---'
|
|
echo
|
|
echo 'Reload for a new letter!'
|
|
) | ../mdwntohtml ../template.m4
|