cruft
·
2009-08-13
horrors2.ltx
1\documentclass[openany,10pt]{book}
2
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7\usepackage{anttor}
8\usepackage{url}
9\usepackage[pdftex]{graphicx}
10\usepackage{hyperref}
11\usepackage[labelformat=empty,justification=raggedleft,singlelinecheck=false]{caption}
12\usepackage{chapauth}
13\usepackage[absolute]{textpos}
14
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16\setcounter{secnumdepth}{-1}
17
18\newcommand{\illustration}[3]{
19 \begin{figure}[b]
20 \includegraphics[width=\textwidth]{#3}
21 \caption{{\em #2} by #1}
22 \end{figure}
23}
24
25\title{Horrors 2}
26\author{The Something Awful Forums}
27
28\hyphenation{
29 Ba-var-ious
30 Ba-var-ius
31 hid-eous
32 mos-qui-toes
33 may-be
34}
35
36\renewcommand\listfigurename{Illustrations}
37
38
39\begin{document}
40\maketitle
41
42\pagenumbering{roman}
43
44\hbox{}\vfill
45\begin{center}
46Copyright \copyright 2009, multiple authors
47
48\bigskip
49
50This work is licensed under the Creative Commons
51Attribution-Non\-commercial-Share Alike 3.0 United States License. To
52view a copy of this license, visit
53\url{http://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-nc-sa/3.0/us/} or send a
54letter to Creative Commons, 171 Second Street, Suite 300, San Francisco,
55California, 94105, USA.
56
57\bigskip
58
59This is a work of fiction. Any similarity to actual events or persons,
60living or dead, is purely coincidental, but totally awesome. Please let
61us know about it!
62
63\bigskip
64
65The {\em Horrors 2} project, including all source for this book and
66instructions on how you can print it out and bind your own hardcover
67copy, can be found at \url{http://gitorious.org/horrors2/book}.
68\end{center}
69
70\newpage
71
72\include{praise}
73
74\newpage
75
76\hbox{}
77\vfill
78
79The authors would probably like to dedicate this book to the authors. I
80am instead dedicating this book to anyone who has ever vomited tears
81and/or blood. Stay strong, pukers.
82
83\indent --- cruft, July 2009
84
85\vfill
86\hbox{}
87
88\tableofcontents
89\listoffigures
90
91\newpage
92\pagenumbering{arabic}
93
94\chapter{Foreword}
95Horror is a genre that has entranced the public for ages. Most of us
96have fond memories of huddling around a copy of {\em Scary Stories to
97 Tell in the Dark}, pretending we weren't scared, daring each other to
98look at certain pictures. We've stayed up late watching horror movies,
99fearing every creak was something coming to get us. The peak enjoyment
100of horror usually falls around the preteen years, when scary movies are
101still scary and parents are more lenient with reading choices. During a
102time when most are just starting to get into horror, one man started
103writing horror.
104
105That man is Ben Biddick. Ben started writing horror when he was twelve,
106and was first published when he was thirteen. His compilation, Horrors,
107had a very limited print run. Due to this, very few people found out
108about it. It remained off of bestseller lists. It received no critical
109acclaim. As it turns out, Horrors was simply eighteen years ahead of its
110time.
111
112Now, thanks to the internet, Ben's masterwork has received a second
113wind. In fact, many people were inspired by Ben's work. This
114compilation is the result of that inspiration. With Ben's permission,
115we've included a few of his most terrifying tales. What follows are a
116series of stories that aim to establish the same unique brand of horror
117as the master of terror himself. These stories emulate, derive, or pay
118homage to the classic Biddickian stories from Horrors. Many use Ben's
119beloved tragic hero, Luke Bavarious. Many touch upon Ben's belief that
120children are worthy of attention and respect. All attempt to convey a
121sense of horror that only a thirteen year old can craft.
122
123Hopefully these stories are something you'll tell around campfires for
124generations to come. Hopefully they're something that will haunt
125you. Hopefully they're something awful---something so awful they'll
126inspire you to take up the torch of Biddickian horror as well.
127
128--- rinski, July 2009
129
130\part{Selections from {\em Horrors}}
131\include{stories/BenBiddick.The_Horrid}
132\include{stories/BenBiddick.The_Barn}
133\include{stories/BenBiddick.The_Artist}
134\include{stories/BenBiddick.Willy}
135
136\part{Apostles of Biddick}
137\include{stories/Orgasmo.Make_My_Da}
138\include{stories/BoldFrankensteinMir.Johnny_the}
139\include{stories/THE_WORST_DOCTOR.The_Snake_}
140
141\part{Bavarious Reasons}
142\include{stories/milkingmycow.Brain_Freeze}
143\include{stories/Batmanuel.The_Strang}
144\include{stories/Torgo_.Brian}
145\include{stories/Dr__Mulholland.The_Horrid}
146\include{stories/The_Iron_Fury.The_Horrid}
147\include{stories/bagrada.The_Earach}
148\include{stories/Unununium.The_Scarec}
149\include{stories/Tufty.Dames__the}
150\include{stories/leb388.The_Girl}
151\include{stories/scarycactusjunior.The_Runawa}
152\include{stories/mboger.Luke_From_}
153\include{stories/Smokey.Thursday}
154\include{stories/Barometer.L_B___V_H_}
155\include{stories/Hamelin.The_Painte}
156\include{stories/gigz.What_Went_}
157\include{stories/KryonikMessiah.The_Ninjas}
158\include{stories/IShallRiseAgain.The_School}
159\include{stories/Paracetamol_Boy.The_Smile}
160\include{stories/ack_.The_Dock}
161\include{stories/rinski.The_Mansio}
162\include{stories/Syphilicious_.What_Lurks}
163\include{stories/Rummanging.Nebulous_C}
164\include{stories/antiloquax.The_Unexpe}
165\include{stories/benitocereno.The_Beginn}
166\include{stories/A_Child_s_Letter.Yellow_Eye}
167\include{stories/Decatur_Fist.The_Last_N}
168\include{stories/Brolita.Mac}
169\include{stories/nmg.The_Horrid}
170\include{stories/Ghost_Hat.Invisible_}
171\include{stories/SummerGlaucoma.Bavarious_}
172\include{stories/LesterGroans.Dream_Hyen}
173\include{stories/murdered_by_owls.The_One_Ac}
174\include{stories/fishguzzler.Untitled}
175\include{stories/Anonymous.In_the_Mir}
176\include{stories/WhereTheFishLives.The_Horrid}
177\include{stories/on_time_for_once.The_Playgr}
178\include{stories/overnightmike.The_Explod}
179
180\part{You're no Hakan}
181\include{stories/Part_of_Everything.The_Death_}
182\include{stories/Madcosby.Son_Of_Bav}
183\include{stories/Dr_Scoofles.The_Long_F}
184\include{stories/Peas_and_Rice.The_King}
185\include{stories/reasonable_form.The_Six_Si}
186%\include{stories/Smeef.The_Old_Ch}
187%\include{stories/jidohanbaiki.The_Ocean}
188\include{stories/Knuc_If_U_Buck.The_Horrif}
189\include{stories/henpod.The_Last_C}
190\include{stories/Mortonic.The_Very_H}
191\include{stories/Oatgan.The_Scream}
192\include{stories/Lynxifer.The_Orches}
193\include{stories/Cheesus_Christ.The_Horrid}
194\include{stories/brylcreem.The_Creatu}
195\include{stories/taurapo.The_Child}
196\include{stories/Assless_Chaps.The_Mosqui}
197\include{stories/Sirocco.The_Monste}
198\include{stories/Cota_Froise.The_Horrid}
199\include{stories/Combat_Wombat.The_Librar}
200%\include{stories/Phthalogreen.Pearl}
201\include{stories/Sleepless_Dreamer.Reunion_Un}
202%\include{stories/TheSpiritFox.Untitled}
203\include{stories/Lord_Humongus.The_Cellar}
204\include{stories/King_Plum_the_Nth.Untitled}
205\include{stories/Irish_Joe.The_Boy_Th}
206\include{stories/Dirty_Sanchez.A_Tin_of_P}
207%\include{stories/O_Tempora__O_Mores_.The_First_}
208\include{stories/Pro_Swordbro.Nobodys_Sa}
209\include{stories/Detective_Thompson.Words_Will}
210\include{stories/Count_Snapula.Dead_Tired}
211\include{stories/Creflo_Chronicle.Black_Rive}
212\include{stories/slackerpride.The_Area_t}
213\include{stories/Yaos.The_Killer}
214\include{stories/Ghost_Hat.Character_}
215
216\part{The Chronicles Of Biddick}
217\include{stories/VelvetEvoker.Station_66}
218\include{stories/Donde_Esta.The_Promis}
219\include{stories/lemonlime.A_Butter_K}
220%\include{stories/Monkey_Trouble.The_Cave}
221%\include{stories/Hired_Gun.The_Bodies}
222\include{stories/Danger408.The_Torrid}
223\include{stories/Safe_Driver.Hell_Cab}
224\include{stories/Livestock.Destiny_Ca}
225\include{stories/JohnnyThreeToes.Horrid_Tra}
226\include{stories/King_Plum_the_Nth.Flow_My_Te}
227\include{stories/Yogi_Byron.Horror_D_o}
228\include{stories/Funk_In_Shoe.I_am___bf_}
229%\include{stories/Zarimus.Little_Men}
230\include{stories/CannedMacabre.For_the_Ch}
231\include{stories/Ridgely__Fan.The_Cocoon}
232%\include{stories/raptorred.The_Blood_}
233\include{stories/Lorentz_Factor.It_s_just_}
234\include{stories/BatsBjorg.The_Horrid}
235\include{stories/Twigand_Berries.The_Sack_o}
236%\include{stories/Helmet.Kindness_o}
237\include{stories/invision.Creature_O}
238\include{stories/Scissorfighter.The_Book}
239\include{stories/January.The_Journe}
240\include{stories/katiekawaii.Shiny_Toy_}
241\include{stories/rinski.The_Monste}
242\include{stories/BigSkillet.The_Screw_}
243\include{stories/HastyDeparture.A_Red_Sky_}
244\include{stories/lucifer_chikken.The_Wareho}
245\include{stories/ding_dang_doo.Untitled}
246\include{stories/Dominic_Bones.Again}
247
248
249\part{Luke Bavarious, {\em I} am your father}
250\include{stories/Quovak.A_Cursed_M}
251\include{stories/Anal_Surgery.Satanic_Re}
252%\include{stories/Hantu.I__Lucius_}
253\include{stories/Brushingworth.Chamber_Po}
254%\include{stories/duck_monster.Luke_Kills}
255%\include{stories/kerimeton.White}
256\include{stories/Zahgaegun.The_Pus_St}
257\include{stories/Bonaventure.Horrider_R}
258\include{stories/Akbar.Wicked_Wor}
259\include{stories/Swanky.Gold_Ribbo}
260%\include{stories/Cruo.The_Smoker}
261\include{stories/TarDolphinorShark.The_Homele}
262\include{stories/Blurry_Gray_Thing.Monstrous}
263\include{stories/The_Bananana.Deja_Vu}
264\include{stories/and_Into.The_Truly_}
265\include{stories/JuicedSixFo.Haunted_Alley}
266\include{stories/Baron_von_Eevl.The_Horrid}
267\include{stories/A_Child_s_Letter.The_Mirror}
268
269
270
271%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%
272% Appendices
273
274
275\appendix
276\part{Inflamed Appendices}
277
278
279\chapter{Colophon}
280
281This book is a collection of stories from the Something Awful Forums,
282inspired by the 1991 book {\em Horrors} by Ben Biddick. Most were written
283as a response to a challenge by forums moderator AYBraham:
284
285\begin{quotation}
286 Your goal: Write a short story in the theme of {\em Horrors}, the collection
287 of short stories written by Mr. Ben Beddick when he was 13 years
288 old. Each story is encouraged to feature the tragic protagonist Luke
289 Bavarius, and must be more than 500 words each. Each story must show
290 that "kids need to be respected and listened to."
291\end{quotation}
292
293This book was typeset by the \LaTeX{} document preparation system, using
294the {\sf book} class.
295
296It was set in the Antykwa Toru\'nska (``Antiqua of Torun'') typeface,
297the most horriffying of all the standard \TeX{}live typefaces. The face
298was designed by Zygfryd Gardzielewski (1914--2001), and first cast in
299metal in 1960 in the Grafmasz typefoundry in Warsaw. The variant used
300in this document was digitized by Janusz Marian Nowacki, a tremendously
301cool dude from Poland, based off of photocopies of the original design.
302
303\end{document}