horrors2

Assless_Chaps.The_Mosqui.tex

  1\chapauth{Assless Chaps}
  2\chapter{The Mosquito of Death}
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  6Luke Bavarious stumbled slowly through the New York City alley,
  7gently swatting the mosquitoes away from his skin with the butt of
  8his beretta. It was a hot and humid night, and the blood-suckers
  9were relentless in their pursuit of delicious, sticky human blood.
 10His delicious blood was made even more delicious after drinking
 11four Coors in a nearby bar. The mosquitoes knew it was delicious
 12and that Bavarious was too drunk to defend himself properly. Or so
 13they thought.
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 17As Bavarious continued to wade through the refuse and urine-soaked
 18mattresses strewn about the alleyway, the mosquitoes became
 19ravenous. They swarmed him in droves, and he began frantically
 20waving his trusty beretta around, squishing the lowly bugs into a
 21mess of guts and recently-consumed human blood.
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 25Suddenly Bavarious vomited. The alcohol had finally gotten to him,
 26and he spewed out chunks of peanuts and pretzels, mixed with beer.
 27He puked so hard he began puking blood out of his mouth. The blood
 28and vomit cocktail splattered to the ground, forming a vile and
 29horrid river of bodily fluids. If only he had listened to his young
 30son, Timmy, and stayed home that night, instead of going out and
 31drinking Coors, none of this would have happened.
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 35The mosquitoes began to fly away from Bavarious. He thought in his
 36drunken mind that they were giving up, and that he would be able to
 37continue on his walk home, while the insects pursued more
 38easily-caught prey. Bavarious was wrong. Dead wrong.
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 42Bavarious tripped over a rotting pile of dog feces, and landed
 43face-first onto the asphalt. As he raised his head, blood spurted
 44from his broken nose in every direction. Bavarious used all his
 45manly strength to pull himself up, and when he looked up, he saw
 46all the mosquitoes joining together, like a giant mosquito army, in
 47a frenzy due to the delectable scent of his flowing blood. They
 48grew in number, and eventually a million mosquitoes joined forces
 49and swarmed together. They began to morph into one hideous
 50creature. One giant mosquito! The most humongous mosquito ever
 51recorded in the history of mankind. A gargantuan travesty of a
 52beast.
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 56Not to be deterred by this horrendous creature, Bavarious screamed at the
 57top of his lungs, ``{\bf Evil-doer! Villain! You do not frighten
 58me!}'' As he screamed, flecks of spittle mixed with the
 59still-running blood from his broken nose, only attracting the giant
 60mosquito more.
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 64The giant mosquito, the size of Bavarious at least, stood up on its
 65back two legs like a human, to do battle with Bavarious. Its long,
 66pointed proboscis inched closer to him, yearning for the sweet
 67taste of human blood. Luke Bavarious unholstered his beretta and
 68let loose a torrent of bullets that merely ricocheted off the giant
 69mosquito's hard insect body. {\em This is no ordinary
 70mosquito}, Bavarious thought to himself.
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 74The massive insect lunged forward and sunk its sword-like
 75blood-sucking mouth-nose into Bavarious' neck. Bavarious
 76screamed in agony as blood flowed from his wound like a red rapid.
 77The pain caused him to lose control of all bodily functions. He
 78writhed in agony as the pain caused him to puke up the remnants of
 79his pretzels and peanuts, mixed with beer and the bile left over in
 80his stomach. He felt particularly uncomfortable as his bladder and
 81bowels emptied into the camouflage fatigues he wore. His apparel
 82was filthy. He was reduced to a slithering, screaming shell of a
 83man, covered in excrement, urine and vomit.
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 87The mosquitobeast had had enough. It pulled its sucker from
 88Bavarious' neck with a wet, slimy burp. Bavarious watched in
 89pain, as the mosquito slowly turned and began to walk away, unable
 90to fly because it was so filled up with his beer-blood.
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 94Suddenly, a white light beamed down on Bavarious. He squinted from
 95the blinding light, and could vaguely see the shadow of a man in
 96the light, far, far away. As the shadow-man moved closer, Bavarious
 97felt that he looked familiar.
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101``Grand-nd-pa?!'' he said.
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105``Yes. It is me, Luke Bavarious. Your grandfather: Brock
106Bavarious. I am here to help.''
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110Soundlessly, Grandpa Brock showed Bavarious how to slay the beast.
111And as quickly as he appeared, he was gone.
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115Bavarious mustered up the last of his strength and stood up. He
116slowly stalked the giant mosquito and lunged forward, clinging to
117the creature's back, like a child riding piggy-back on the
118back of a man. As the mosquito let out an eardrum-bursting roar,
119Bavarious grabbed its giant proboscis and yanked it hard. The
120proboscis broke off and the creature's power was drained. Its
121only way of eating was destroyed. It crumpled to the ground,
122writhing in a puddle of its own blood mixed with the blood of all
123of the victims of the millions of mosquitoes that made up this
124disgusting creature. After a few seconds of painful screaming, the
125creature died.
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129Bavarious didn't want to take any chances, so he raised the
130broken-off proboscis and stabbed the mosquito right through its
131insect heart.
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135``You suck,'' he said, as he hobbled away, ready to get
136home and get some sleep.
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