horrors2

SummerGlaucoma.Bavarious_.tex

  1\chapauth{SummerGlaucoma}
  2\chapter{Bavarious Reasons}
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  7
  8I am stuck here, in this place of must and yellowed paper. The
  9place holds over my face a page, a urine-stained billow. My mouth,
 10a tool of evil and destruction, vomits bile, blood and
 11giggles.
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 15{\em Who am I?} I thought, trying to hug the thought as hard as
 16humanly possible.
 17
 18
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 20{\em Who am I? Who amI? whoami?whoamiwhoam---}
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 26My name is Luke Bavarious. I'm a cop. I like the work.
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 30I have a barrette. I keep it with me in case I've got to put up my
 311990s supercop hockey mullet and think real hard.
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 35I'm thinking now. What kind of name is Bavarious? It is the steam, the
 36steam from the Fatherland's best beer region? And why Luke?  Cool hands,
 37warm heart? Or do I walk in the sky, over to {\bf Gran-Nd-Pa}'s arms, my
 38left leg caught, with my seven-league boots, in The Barn?
 39
 40
 41
 42I know we all in this book live in a library basement. Our book is
 43next to some new kind of backwards comic book from Japan.
 44
 45
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 47When it rains, The Artists' ink runs and lets us visit, and let me
 48tell you, it's nice to get a furlough -- Okay, fine, that kid who
 49made us didn't specify breaks. I'm AWOL most of the time. So sue
 50me! -- in the more -- ahem! -- adult, of those comics. That kid
 51didn't make any single dames.
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 55Bavarious. Hmf. I don't even know what continent my people live on.
 56Maybe it's a cover name.
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 58
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 60Bavarious.
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 64Bavarious.
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 68Bavarious.
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 72An idea sneaks into my head, slashing its way in through my waxy
 73ear canal.
 74
 75
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 77I am emitting an evil smirk.
 78
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 81I need to borrow something from Ken-wa over there in Samurai
 82Land.
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 85
 86\section*{Next Week, Iraq, Ben's Point Of View}
 87
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 90My name is Ben Biddick. I'm a soldier. Do I like my work? Well,
 91that depends. I don't like gritty food. I don't like being away
 92from my parents (they're great -- I'll have to tell you some time
 93when we get a weekend pass about the time I wrote a book of crappy,
 94embarrassing stories, and they got it published with this vanity
 95press! Nope. No shit. None here, anyway). But I am proud of what
 96I'm doing here, for the Iraqi people, and for the freedoms I
 97love.
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101Besides, you guys are the tightest buds I could ever wish for. Shut
102up, Johnston! Yeah, well, you too!
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106Oh, rad! Mail call!
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110It's a package from that Internet forum that told me about how they
111loved my stories. Yeah! I'll show you guys later. It's rad.
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115Weird. Oh, well. I guess the only copy that Abe dude could find was
116this soggy thing. I guess it'll dry out pretty fast here once I
117take off the bubble wrap.
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121Why do I feel so -- uneasy?
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125What was that flicker -- did Abe put some confetti in with this?
126Awesome!
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130{\em But confetti doesn't wear its hair in a blond, barretted
131ponytail. Good Christ--} (he thought)
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135No, Johnston! Only {\em your} mom sends nudes. My mom is a
136saint.
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138
139
140{\em Yeah? Well, you'd look worried, too. If--}
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144[a small figure darts towards me, swinging the hundred-times-folded
145Kyoto steel with maniacal glee]
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149Luke Bavarious?
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153``Why yes{\ldots}! ''
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157But, Luke: How-- Why do you even {\em own} a katana?
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161``For Bavarious Reasons!''
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165Look there! {\em I am pointing to the page. A -- How did a he-she
166from Japan get there? A he-she with a Samurai House's
167medallion--?!}
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171Luke says some magic words in some prehistoric Asian language,
172pointing the sword at me.
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176I started to shrink and grow more illustrationlike.
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180I am drawn to the page, as much as I was when I was a kid. But for
181not the same reasons. The child walks towards the page. I am
182little. I am dressed in the same faux-b-baller shit I dressed in as
183a little kid. I am a G.I. Joe-sized High-Topped Son of a
184Bitch.
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188Bavarious is full size now and god is he ugly as a real human. ``I'm
189Luke Bavarious,'' he says to my buddies, ``and I'm a cop. Now, let's
190see about this noise disturbance -- Where's this horrid Al Q.
191Aida?''
192
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194
195Amid the predictable laughter, I hear the Simoom begin to blow. The
196book slams shut.
197
198
199
200My name is Ben Biddick. I'm a cop. I like my work.
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206Suddenly, I was sobbing. 
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