horrors2

Twigand_Berries.The_Sack_o.tex

  1\chapauth{Twigand Berries}
  2\chapter{The Sack of Horrors}
  3
  4
  5I polished off another set of ten and felt that good, deep burn. I
  6sat up from the bench and flexed, noting with pride the hills and
  7valleys of my bulging musculature. My sweat caused my sleeveless
  8shirt to stick to my body, and I thought to myself, ``Damn, Luke.
  9You look good.'' That's right. My name is Luke Bavarious and I am a
 10private detective.
 11
 12
 13
 14And let me tell you, smacking punks and thugs around, you need to
 15be in great shape. And when I'm not cracking the skulls of dopers
 16and adulterers, I hit the gym, pump some iron, and sculpt my body
 17into a machine.
 18
 19
 20
 21I couldn't very well meet up with my clients covered in sweat, so
 22like always, I hit the showers to clean up. As I approached my
 23locker, filled with my fitted suit, trenchcoat, and my Beretta
 24snuggled in its holster, my eyes were literally destroyed by a
 25sight that plagues my visits to this mosty holy Temple of the Body.
 26Sure enough, some old man was standing at the sink, shaving,
 27completely buck naked.
 28
 29
 30
 31His wrinkly body sagged in every place imaginable. Hair sprouted
 32from various places hair should probably not sprout from. His skin
 33was covered in spots and possibly sores. What he does at the gym is
 34a complete mystery, as his flabby body and gigantic swollen stomach
 35betrayed no evidence of any cardio or properly balanced muscle
 36training whatsoever. But the worst was his balls. His old, wrinkly,
 37sack hanging down from his groin farther than it would seem humanly
 38possible. I almost vomited all over the changing room floor.
 39
 40
 41
 42I grabbed my towel and hit the showers, this monstrous image burned
 43into my brain. As the water steamed off my red, ripped body I tried
 44to come up with a reason why these old men would ruin my work out
 45in this way. I come here to feel good and make myself into a god,
 46but every day I am assailed by these geriatric sacks of downward
 47flowing flesh, and am constantly reminded where we are all headed.
 48I scrubbed myself down, lingering my gaze over my own perfection,
 49to banish thoughts of old, naked balls out of my head. I needed a
 50drink.
 51
 52
 53
 54Instead of heading to my office and checking my messages for new
 55cases to crack, I headed down to my local pub hoping some old
 56friends would have the same idea. Sure enough, Brad and Hooksey
 57were draining some pints, and I sidled up to the bar next to them.
 58My mind was still spastic over the horrors from the gym, so I
 59broached the topic to my friends.
 60
 61
 62
 63``Brad, Hooksey{\ldots}you guys work out, it shows by the way, and I'm
 64wondering if you two encounter the same problem as I do,'' I
 65said.
 66
 67
 68
 69``Do tell, Luke.'' Brad leaned in, interested.
 70
 71``Yes, Mr.\ Bavarious. I love your stories!'' Hooksey exclaimed,
 72excitedly.
 73
 74
 75
 76``Well, friends, you know how after you burn through your reps and
 77it's time to clean yourself up, you go for a shower, right?'' I
 78asked.
 79
 80
 81
 82``Always.'' Brad said.
 83
 84``I like to shower.'' Hooksey replied.
 85
 86
 87
 88``Well, why is it that every time you go into the locker room, there
 89is some disgusting old man doing stuff naked? Like, I know you have
 90to change your clothes in there, and there will be a point where
 91you're naked, but these old guys are ridiculous. They get naked,
 92and then it seems like they don't want to get dressed again. They
 93stand around talking. They shave. They comb their wispy hair. They
 94spend more time naked in the locker room than they do exercising I
 95bet! And here I am trying to perfect my body, and I have to gaze
 96upon these leathery sacks of fat!'' I explained!
 97
 98
 99
100``It makes me want to punch their faces off,'' Brad agreed.
101
102``I think I will vomit my puke up just thinking about their
103disgusting naked bodies,'' Hooksey chimed in.
104
105
106
107Now, while I was telling this story, some young, scrawny punk came
108into the bar trying to sell some candy bars for the Girl Scouts or
109something and he overheard the whole thing. This punk felt the need
110to chime in.
111
112
113
114``I don't know you gentlemen, but I couldn't help but overhear what
115you are discussing. I think you should be ashamed of yourselves
116talking about the elderly in this manner. They are deserving of
117your respect. They won World War II so you can be free, and shame
118on you for talking about them this way,'' the punk admonished.
119
120
121
122``Hey, now{\ldots}'' Brad exclaimed!
123
124``There are old germans!'' Hooksey rebutted.
125
126
127
128My friends were red in the face at the nerve of this punk, but I
129knew how to end this argument. I slid off my bar stool, and turned
130to the punk. He looked up at me with fear in his eyes, and I
131casually opened up my trenchcoat. His eyes wandered down past my
132ripped pecs and spied the Beretta casually hanging out in its
133holster. The blood left the punk's face and he ran on out of the
134bar, urine soaking his trousers.
135
136
137
138``Hahahahahaha,'' Brad laughed.
139
140``Hahahahahhaa,'' Hooksey laughed.
141
142
143
144I smiled, and turned back to my beer, thoughts of disgusting flabby
145old ass gone for the evening.
146
147
148
149* * *
150
151
152
153
154The next day I awoke with the urge to pump some iron again. I
155hurried down to my gym and entered the locker room to change into
156my work out clothes. As I was squeezing into my sleeveless tee, I
157looked towards the sink.
158
159
160
161You guessed it. Just standing there, naked, in front of a full
162length mirror was the most disgusting specimen of humanity you
163could ever encounter. I would regale you with details of his
164mottled, paper thin skin, or his liver spotted, veiny scalp, or
165even how his biceps swung in the breeze, but it all pales in
166comparison to the most disgusting old man balls I have ever
167seen.
168
169
170
171I stood like a deer in headlights staring at this inverted mushroom
172hanging for kilometers beneath an enormous, hanging gut. The gray,
173crispy thicket that it sprouted from. The scraggly forest of pubes
174that grew to ungodly lengths off the wrinkly, vein covered surface.
175The swirl of reds and purples that colored its sagging surface. The
176bumps and grooves. It was awful.
177
178
179
180I was transfixed in my disgust. But slowly I got a hold of myself
181and my eyes raised from his lower regions, over his disgusting
182flabby body, and onto his wrinkly face in the mirror. And to my
183horror, his eyes matched mine in the mirror. He was watching me
184watch him!
185
186
187
188And he smiled. A gap toothed smile framed in crusted lips.
189
190
191
192I ran from there. I entered the gym proper, fighting back vomit and
193the desire to unload my Beretta into his nasty, smiling food
194hole.
195
196
197
198The only way to recover from this was to focus every fiber of my
199being into my workout. And I racked up an obscene amount of weight
200onto the bar and reclined onto the bench. Screw warming up. I was
201going to pump that disgusting image right out of my mind with the
202sweet burn of my muscles pounding out ten reps of my maximum
203benchpress.
204
205
206
207I hefted the bar off the cradle, balancing the weight between my
208two pistons of might. I closed my eyes, and began to work my way
209into the set.
210
211
212
213{\bf One.}
214
215
216
217The bar was lowered to my chest and I shot it back up with a
218groan.
219
220
221
222{\bf Two.}
223
224
225
226My blood raced into my chest and arms, filling me with energy and
227purging weakness.
228
229
230
231{\bf Three.}
232
233
234
235The burn began. It felt magnificent.
236
237
238
239{\bf Four.}
240
241
242
243I began to imagine the bar was some punk who dared to pull a gun on
244me. And I was shoving his punk face off a cliff.
245
246
247
248{\bf Five.}
249
250
251
252I could feel the muscles in my biceps and triceps begin to quiver
253with sweet burn.
254
255
256
257{\bf Six.}
258
259
260
261Maybe the punk was that punk from the bar. That punk who likes old
262guy balls. Heh.
263
264
265
266{\bf Seven.}
267
268
269
270A warmth spread across my upper body as I heaved the bar up and
271down, bringing it within a centimeter of my chest.
272
273
274
275{\bf Eight.}
276
277
278
279Images of disgusting balls were burned from my mind as I imagined
280that punk kid being riddled with bullets, bursting from his back in
281miniature explosions of flesh.
282
283
284
285{\bf Nine.}
286
287
288
289As I crested my ninth rep, suddenly the bar seemed to become twice,
290no, ten times as heavy! I locked my elbows and gasped. It was
291unbelievable! My elbows gave out and my arms began to shake as the
292bar began to lower to my chest. I opened my eyes and looked
293up.
294
295
296
297I moaned in horror! It was impossible!
298
299
300
301The bar was still there with the normal amount of weight on either
302end. But between my gripping fists, in the exact center of the bar, hung
303what could only be the {\em the same pair of balls that previously had
304  been attached to that old man!}
305
306
307
308And for the love of god, they weighed a ton! In fact, the weight
309was so much that the bar was slowly being lowered down to my chest!
310I stared in terror at this unholy scrotum that hung from the bar
311just inches from my chest. It was all there. The unexplained bumps.
312The crispy gray pubes. The mottled coloring. Oh my god! There was a
313sore on the underside of one of its orbs! As my arms shook and
314slowly lost control of this tremendous weight, I stared at
315pulsating veins that throbbed in a spiderweb encasing the two
316misshapened testicles that were contained within its leathery
317pouch.
318
319
320
321My arms began to feel a million miles away. The numbness spread
322along my humerus, over my clavicles, and into my quivering chest.
323Sweat began to pour off me in sheets. I heard a distant mewling
324sound, and realized it was me.
325
326
327
328The balls slowly descended. When they were inches from my chest,
329the impossibly long gray pubes tickling and entwining with my own
330chest hair, I saw a bead of brackish sweat appear from the patch of
331hair that was located at the join of this evil ball sack and the
332bar. It came as if from hell. It slowly tracked its way down the
333elongated skin pouch, over wrinkles and around encrusted follicles.
334As it beaded at the bottom of one hellish testicle, I began to
335scream wildly for help.
336
337
338
339Tears sprang forth from my eyes, and I felt all strength fade from
340me. The bar swiftly began lowering, and I knew my chest was going
341to be crushed and my unblemished skin covered in sweaty old meat
342sack. My life flashed before my eyes, and I realized my beautifully
343sculpted body was about to be defiled for all time.
344
345
346
347``You need a spot, young man?'' came a voice from heaven.
348
349
350
351``God yes!'' I pleaded. And suddenly the crushing weight was lifted
352off me. I began to sob in relief. My body was broken. I pulled
353myself up to a sitting position and gazed up at my savior.
354
355
356
357It was the old man! He stood there, dressed now in ridiculous
358shorts and v-neck white t-shirt, wiping his hands after racking the
359devil bar. How could this be? I stared at the weight bar that had
360almost killed me, and low and behold, the satanic ball sack still
361dangled from its length.
362
363
364
365My fury gave me strength again! I leaped from the bench and grabbed
366the old man, screaming ``You bastard! Why would you crush me with
367your balls? I'll kill you!'' His face whitened in surprise and
368fear.
369
370
371
372``What are you talking about, son?'' he stammered.
373
374
375
376I pointed at his dirty nut sack hanging from the bar. ``You fiend! You
377almost crushed my ribs! You tried to dirty me with your geriatric
378filth!''
379
380
381
382``I don't know what you are talking about!'' the old man lied.
383
384
385
386``Trying to trick me, huh? I'll show you!'' I screamed.
387
388
389
390At this point a crowd had gathered, curious as to what the
391altercation was about. I had to prove to them that this evil thing
392was the source of the sack of horrors hanging from my bar. I
393reached down and pulled his filthy shorts down and stood back,
394pointing to where his groin was missing its satchel of bulbous
395evil!
396
397
398
399The crowd gasped, and I smiled in triumph as I turned to face the
400old man. My smile quickly left my face, for, suddenly, the scrotum
401of Hell had reappeared in their proper disgusting place. I quickly
402turned to the bar, and sure enough, it was no longer encumbered
403with its evil payload.
404
405
406
407The crowd turned on me. No one would believe the horrors I had
408endured. I was thrown out from the gym, and, in my crushing defeat
409by the horrors of Hell, {\bf they did not refund my membership
410deposit!}
411
412
413
414The end. 
415 
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