horrors2

kerimeton.White.tex

  1\chapauth{kerimeton}
  2\chapter{White}
  3
  4When the white ward doors opened on that chestnut autumn day I was
  5reminded of the front doors of my garden shed in Vermont. I
  6remember feeling cold the same way I did that day, not in a
  7classical sense but down to the bone. I was feeling an abominable
  8chill as if I had been pumped full of antifreeze the moment the
  9doors came into view. And also, much like my garden shed, I was
 10afraid was what was there. Whether my fears were tangible or not
 11was to be proven, I myself, I no longer cared for the suffering
 12trumped any fear or loathing I felt.
 13
 14
 15
 16I walked down the plasticine hallways and kept my head down; chin
 17on chest. It was as if a weight of shame had been strapped to my
 18neck and my only option was to walk like a sorry prisoner.
 19
 20
 21
 22``Admission?`` the barrel-chested nurse asked behind her oak
 23podium.
 24
 25
 26
 27``Yes''
 28
 29
 30
 31``Which ward`` she continued with the expression of an aghast
 32ape.
 33
 34
 35
 36``Psychiatry''
 37
 38
 39
 40``Name.'' She was curt and unwavering. No doubt the brain
 41behind that placid face was as rudimentary as a record
 42player.
 43
 44
 45
 46"Luke Barvarious'' I paused. ``Barvarious,
 47Luke''
 48
 49
 50
 51She nodded curtly as if to suggest that I had somehow made that
 52record player run more smoothly.
 53
 54
 55
 56``Reason for admission''
 57
 58
 59
 60It was neither a question nor a statement. She prattled it off as
 61if she was in bored haze.
 62
 63
 64
 65``I don't know''
 66
 67
 68
 69She paused and stared at me. It was hard and cold as if she was
 70trying to read my ill intentions. She failed due to a lack of
 71any.
 72
 73
 74
 75``Mr.Barvarian''
 76
 77
 78
 79``Barvarious''
 80
 81
 82
 83``Mr.\ Barvarious'' she repeated, still saying it wrong,
 84``I suppose I can admit you to a psychologist but I cannot do
 85further for now.''
 86
 87
 88
 89``I see''
 90
 91
 92
 93``You understand'' she said with a matte expression,
 94``that is the procedure for all self admissions''
 95
 96
 97
 98I took a seat in front of the office and waited. I was soon called
 99in and immediately expressed my distaste for the poor classical
100music on the loudspeakers. The psychiatrist ignored me on that
101point. She reminded me of a wooden plank in personality and
102stature.
103
104
105
106``The report says your 25?''
107
108
109
110``Yes''
111
112
113
114She seemed puzzled.
115
116
117
118``Well, can I ask why you admitted yourself?''
119
120
121
122``It started years ago'' I said in deep thought, ``I
123remember that my mother was ill and the doctor was recommending
124some futile medicine. I was barely 12 then but I knew he was
125wrong.''
126
127
128
129``I see''
130
131
132
133I proceeded, ``I insisted and insisted but I failed to be
134heard.''
135
136
137
138``Interesting'', at this moment her assistant came in and
139a word was whispered into her ear. I failed to realize the
140significance of this and continued.
141
142
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144``It turns out I was right, but due to the fact of my age my
145words were ignored and cast aside.''
146
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149The physiatrist seemed puzzled again but told me to continue.
150
151
152
153``It's been going on even since a younger age. Nobody
154takes me seriously. When I was young is was due to my youth and in
155my older years it was because of my youthful
156appearance.''
157
158
159
160``I see''
161
162
163
164``I recall observing a fire being put out on a Sunday evening.
165I remember pleading the firemen to take the back route but I was
166continually ignored,'' I paused in repose. ``Do you see
167what I mean, where I'm coming from?''
168
169
170
171The lady got up and treaded lightly on the floor. It appeared as if
172she had taken a tome of information from what I had said. She
173walked to the alcove and poured herself a glass of water. She told
174me quietly that she wondered why this was affecting me now and why
175it took so long for me to come to her. I replied that I
176didn't think that was much help, to which the doctor replied
177that she was the trained psychiatrist here.
178
179
180
181We paused in stifling silence and I realized that the meeting was
182over long before I came in. I felt choked in the stuffy room as if
183I was wearing a sweater in a sauna. There was an uncomfortable aura
184around the couch and the plants that I felt uncomfortable with. The
185urge to stand up ran through my legs but was confronted with the
186sound of a knock on the door.
187
188
189
190The doctor stood up and led the uniformed men in, they held me down
191and I knew resistance was futile. I could not understand the
192predicament though I understood the pain of the tightened
193straitjacket. Once again I was muffled and thrown in the room
194leaving them only to wonder how I had escaped in the first place. 
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