horrors2

mboger.Luke_From_.tex

  1\chapauth{mboger}
  2\chapter{Luke From Payroll}
  3
  4
  5I sat down at my desk. The sound had come again. It was my phone
  6ringing. My hand shook slightly with the heavy receiver in my hand.
  7The sleek receiver was transmitting and receiving, ready to take
  8the call. I work in the payroll department. My name is Luke
  9Bavarious. I hate my fucking job.
 10
 11
 12
 13People had been complaining about discrepancies in their paychecks
 14for about a year now, so I finally decided to execute the plan I
 15had been working on for as long as I can remember. I was assigned
 16to raise the Demon Lord Gol'Sothog from the fiery pits of
 17hell.
 18
 19
 20
 21I spoke into the phone, ``Payroll, this is Bavarious. Luke
 22Bavarious.''
 23
 24
 25
 26On the other end of the line, ``Hey, Lou, this is Bill Taylor over
 27in{\ldots}''
 28
 29
 30
 31``Luke,'' I interrupted. ``The name is Luke Bavarious.''
 32
 33
 34
 35``Ok, sorry. Whatever. The reason I'm calling is{\ldots}''
 36
 37
 38
 39``Say it,'' I interrupted again.
 40
 41
 42
 43``What?''
 44
 45
 46
 47I was starting to lose my cool. ``Luke. Bavarious. {\bf Luke! Fucking!
 48Bavarious!}''
 49
 50
 51
 52``Jesus, Luke! Sorry! Luke Bavarious, Luke Bavarious, Luke
 53Bavarious,'' Bill sniveled into the phone. He doesn't deserve to
 54live and it was then I made up my mind. ``Man, you need to switch to
 55decaf. Listen, -Luke-. I have a problem on my last paycheck. I had
 563 hours of overtime last week that I wasn't paid for and Debbie
 57over in HR told me to take it up with you.''
 58
 59
 60
 61Over the last year or so, I, Luke Bavarious, have been slowly
 62syphoning money out of employee paychecks to fund my Demon Lord
 63Gol'Sothog sacrificial altar. Twenty bucks here, fifty bucks there.
 64It adds up.
 65
 66
 67
 68``Not a problem, Bob,'' intentionally mistaking his name and then
 69pausing for him to respond. He doesn't. He's so pathetic, he makes
 70me vomit in my mouth a little bit and then I have to force myself
 71to swallow it down. He's barely worthy of sacrificing to
 72Gol'Thogthog, but he'll do. And because he made me swallow my own
 73vomit, his sacrifice will be slow and painful. ``I see the missing
 74hours here. Why don't you come up to my office and I'll square you
 75away.''
 76
 77
 78
 79``Sounds good. I'll be right up!'' The phone disconnects.
 80
 81
 82
 83He's fallen for my ruse. Hook. Line. And Sinker. And Luke
 84Bavarious.
 85
 86
 87
 88I have about two minutes to prepare, but that's two more minutes
 89than I need. I'm Luke Bavarious, always prepared. I'm hiding behind
 90the door with a syringe full of knock-out serum when Bill enters my
 91office. He doesn't even put up a struggle as I slide the syringe
 92into his neck, the needle vomiting forth sweet slumber into his
 93veins.
 94
 95
 96
 97Bill doesn't wake up until just after midnight. I had waited until
 98everyone had left the office for the night before loading Bill into
 99the back of my Dodge SRT-4. A lot of people think the SRT-4 is just
100a Dodge Neon with a turbo, but fuck those guys, I love this car. I
101drove my totally sweet SRT-4 to the secret location of the Demon
102Lord Gol'Sahblah sacrificial altar and waited.
103
104
105
106Bill's eyes open and he tries to speak, but he can't. Did I mention
107that my knock-out serum was also a paralyzing toxin? Bavarious!
108Bill is laying on a solid gold altar, surrounded by dark, fiendish
109incense burners. Expensive incense. I had to import it from
110Thailand and everything. This is why I was skimming money from
111paychecks. Have you ever priced a solid gold sacrificial altar? I
112mean, it's not like you can just walk into Bed Bath and Beyond and
113pick one out. This shit is expensive.
114
115
116
117I raise the jewel encrusted ceremonial sacrificial dagger over
118Bill's body. His eyes widen in terror. It's the only movement he's
119capable of making, thanks to the knock-out / paralyzing toxic serum,
120which also wasn't cheap, by the way. I can't stress enough how much
121money this whole thing has set me back.
122
123
124
125I began chanting. With each long forgotten word uttered, I can feel
126the power in the room increasing. A dark mist begins to swirl and
127in that mist I see another dimension. Closer, closer, two worlds
128are becoming one. There is only one last thing left to do. I plunge
129the dagger into Bill's heart and the ever so slowly twist the
130blade. I lean over and whisper into Bill's hear, ``Bavarious.''
131
132
133
134I'm then instantly thrown to the ground as an interdimensional rift
135opens, unleashing the Demon Lord Gol'Sobeys from his hellish
136prison. The Demon Lord smiles at me and I smile back.
137
138
139
140``{\bf You have done well, Luke Bavarious. Now that I am free, there
141  will be no stopping me. I will rule this world and everyone who
142  inhabits it.}''
143
144
145
146``All glory be to Gol'Bladder!,'' I shout.
147
148
149
150``{\bf You have shown yourself to be a faithful servant. As such, you
151  shall be rewarded. You will be my right hand when I enslave this puny
152  world. You will hold the highest rank in my army. The rank of Payroll
153  Administrator.}''
154
155
156
157I staggered backwards and fell onto a desk that had materialized
158behind me. A nameplate sparkled on the side of the desk. Bavarious.
159I picked up the phone and heard a horrible ring tone. Suddenly, I
160was sobbing.
161
162
163
164The moral of the story: Kids should be respected and listened
165to.
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