JavaScript letter generator
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@ -6,7 +6,7 @@ Maybe you'll just wonder why I spend so much time on this garbage.
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* Download my [presentation timer](timer.html) for use in any modern
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browser.
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* If you need to write someone a letter but really don't want to, try my
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[smalltalk generator](smalltalk.cgi).
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[social letter generator](letter.html).
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* Maybe you'd rather see a [magic trick](omg-magic.html)?
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* How about some [Internet Reiki](reiki.html)?
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* [Crunt](crunt.html).
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@ -0,0 +1,124 @@
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Title: Social Letter Generator
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<button onclick="init();" style="float: right;">Regenerate</button>
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<p>
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<span id="intro"></span>
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</p>
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<p>
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<span id="first"></span>
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<span id="shits"></span>
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</p>
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<p>
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<span id="closer"></span>
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</p>
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<script>
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intro = [
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"How's it going?",
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"How's the weather?",
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"Hi!",
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"I hate your guts!",
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"How's the gonnorhea?",
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"Greetings from Hotel Hell!"
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];
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first = [
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"I hope things are going well for you and dear wossname.",
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"I apologize for taking so long to write you: it's just that I hate your guts.",
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"Found any tasty roadkill lately?",
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"It's finally cooling off here.",
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"It's been hot as hell here!",
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"The mice are after my lucky charms.",
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"Everything's going great in the new place.",
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"I hope everyone is your family is still mostly free of bullet holes.",
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"How are the kids?",
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"Things here are crazy as usual.",
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"My feet look like tomatoes!",
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"I really appreciated that forward you sent me.",
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"Sometimes I wish I were a shark, and could eat my boss.",
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"Do you ever see the resemblance between scrambled eggs and WWII-era British gunboats?",
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"Boy, does our dog fart a lot!"
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];
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shit = [
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"We're only now recovering from our guests.",
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"Sometimes I wonder if my body parts are made of toast.",
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"Did you catch the latest episode of popular reality show?",
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"I should probably go pee.",
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"The dog has been eating a lot of poo lately.",
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"Ha ha ha!",
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"But like I always say, \"if you can't stand the heat, bomb the utilites department!\"",
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"Beets are an under-utilized fruit when it comes to industrial construction techniques, don't you think?",
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"We've been doing a lot of work on the toilet in the last few weeks.",
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"Mom never told me it would be like this when I grew up!",
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"Know what I mean?",
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"Sometimes I like to dress up and play nurse with the neighbors.",
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"Our plants are doing well.",
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"Doug is finally out on parole.",
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"Yesterday, little Jimmy blew up another Dairy Queen.",
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"The weather here has been really weathery in recent days.",
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"The doctor says I have a good chance of recovery if I can quit eating glass.",
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"Last month we investigated different uses for a bloody, severed arm.",
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"Congolese mercenaries have taken our food processor hostage and are demanding a ransom.",
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"Hey, will snake venom stain silk?",
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"I keep digging and digging but I don't think I'm ever going to get those pesky shinbones out of my legs.",
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"My bowel movements have never been better!",
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"I got screened for colon cancer last week.",
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"Who knew?",
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"Turns out those lumps in my legs were something called \"kneecaps\".",
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"The lawn is a constant source of stress.",
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"Yesterday I fell down the stairs.",
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"No, really!",
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"We keep hearing about these killer bees, but I think they're just a myth.",
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"This summer we're going to try ice fishing for the first time!",
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"Yesterday I won the statewide tiddlywinks championship!",
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"Sometimes I just want to give up.",
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"Junior finally made first chair in marching band, not that you'd care.",
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"Aunt Marge is finally talking about getting out of prostitution.",
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"Thank goodness!",
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"Ever notice how if you sit around long enough, you start to get dusty?",
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"Do you know how to get blood out of carpet? I mean, a lot of it.",
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"I've also noticed a sharp increase in the number of leprechauns dancing in the sink."
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];
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closing = [
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"Well, I'd better be going.",
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"Oops, the dog just puked on the baby!",
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"Whoa Nellie, the TV just exploded!",
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"Uh oh, I think that burning smell is coming from the kitchen!",
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"I'd love to keep writing, but actually I wouldn't.",
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"Hey, nice writing you, but please don't respond or I'll have to do it again.",
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"Keep in touch!",
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"I hate your guts!",
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"Wow, was that a meteor that just hit the shed?",
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"I'd love to keep writing but I have to stare at my fingernails now.",
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"Oh hey look at the time.",
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"We're all eagerly anticipating your next insane diatribe.",
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"Please keep the letters coming! We're running out of kindling for the stove!",
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"Talk to you later."
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];
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function choice(a) {
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var max = Math.floor(a.length * Math.random());
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return a[max];
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}
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function init() {
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document.getElementById("intro").textContent = choice(intro);
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document.getElementById("first").textContent = choice(first);
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document.getElementById("closer").textContent = choice(closing);
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var nshits = Math.floor(Math.random() * 5) + 5;
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var shits = [];
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for (var i = 0; i < nshits; i += 1) {
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shits.push(choice(shit));
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}
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document.getElementById("shits").textContent = shits.join(" ");
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}
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window.addEventListener("load", init);
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</script>
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@ -1,114 +0,0 @@
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#! /bin/sh
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cd $(dirname $0)
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intro () {
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shuf -n 1 <<EOF
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How's it going?
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How's the weather?
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Hi!
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I hate your guts!
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How's the gonnorhea?
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Greetings from Hotel Hell!
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EOF
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}
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first () {
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shuf -n 1 <<EOF
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It's finally cooling off here.
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It's been hot as hell here!
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The mice are after my lucky charms.
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Everything's going great in the new place.
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Shot anything lately?
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How are the kids?
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Things here are crazy as usual.
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My feet look like tomatoes!
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I really appreciated that forward you sent me.
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Sometimes I wish I were a shark, and could eat my boss.
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Do you ever see the resemblance between scrambled eggs and WWII-era British gunboats?
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Boy, does our dog fart a lot!
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EOF
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}
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shit () {
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shuf -n ${1:-1} <<EOF
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We're only now recovering from our guests.
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Sometimes I wonder if my body parts are made of toast.
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Did you catch the latest episode of popular reality show?
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I should probably go pee.
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The dog has been eating a lot of poo lately.
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Ha ha ha!
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But like I always say, "if you can't stand the heat, bomb the utilites department!"
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Beets are an under-utilized fruit when it comes to industrial construction techniques, don't you think?
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We've been doing a lot of work on the toilet in the last few weeks.
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Mom never told me it would be like this when I grew up!
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Know what I mean?
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Sometimes I like to dress up and play nurse with the neighbors.
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Our plants are doing well.
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Doug is finally out on parole.
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Yesterday, little Jimmy blew up another Dairy Queen.
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The weather here has been really weathery in recent days.
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The doctor says I have a good chance of recovery if I can quit eating glass.
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Last month we investigated different uses for a bloody, severed arm.
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Congolese mercenaries have taken our food processor hostage and are demanding a ransom.
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Hey, will snake venom stain silk?
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I keep digging and digging but I don't think I'm ever going to get those pesky shinbones out of my legs.
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My bowel movements have never been better!
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I got screened for colon cancer last week.
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Who knew?
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Turns out those lumps in my legs were something called "kneecaps".
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The lawn is a constant source of stress.
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Yesterday I fell down the stairs.
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No, really!
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We keep hearing about these killer bees, but I think they're just a myth.
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This summer we're going to try ice fishing for the first time!
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Yesterday I won the statewide tiddlywinks championship!
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Sometimes I just want to give up.
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Junior finally made first chair in marching band, not that you'd care.
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Aunt Marge is finally talking about getting out of prostitution.
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Thank goodness!
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Ever notice how if you sit around long enough, you start to get dusty?
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Do you know how to get blood out of carpet? I mean, a lot of it.
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I've also noticed a sharp increase in the number of leprechauns dancing in the sink.
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EOF
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}
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closing () {
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shuf -n 1 <<EOF
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Well, I'd better be going.
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Oops, the dog just puked on the baby!
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Whoa Nellie, the TV just exploded!
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Uh oh, I think that burning smell is coming from the kitchen!
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I'd love to keep writing, but actually I wouldn't.
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Hey, nice writing you, but please don't respond or I'll have to do it again.
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Keep in touch!
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I hate your guts!
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Wow, was that a meteor that just hit the shed?
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I'd love to keep writing but I have to stare at my fingernails now.
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Oh hey look at the time.
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We're all eagerly anticipating your next insane diatribe.
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Please keep the letters coming! We're running out of kindling for the stove!
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Talk to you later.
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EOF
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}
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randint () {
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seq $1 $2 | shuf -n 1
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}
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echo 'Content-type: text/html'
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echo
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(
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echo 'Title: Smalltalk Generator'
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echo
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intro
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echo
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first
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shit $(randint 5 10)
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echo
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closing
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echo
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echo '---'
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echo
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echo 'Reload for a new letter!'
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) | ../mdwntohtml ../template.m4
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