128 lines
4.6 KiB
Markdown
128 lines
4.6 KiB
Markdown
---
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title: Social Letter Generator
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description: If you need to write someone a letter but really don’t want to
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---
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<button onclick="init();" style="float: right;">Regenerate</button>
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<p>
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<span id="intro"></span>
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</p>
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<p>
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<span id="first"></span>
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<span id="shits"></span>
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</p>
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<p>
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<span id="closer"></span>
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</p>
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<script>
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intro = [
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"How's it going?",
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"How's the weather?",
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"Hi!",
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"I hate your guts!",
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"How's the gonnorhea?",
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"Greetings from Hotel Hell!"
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];
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first = [
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"I hope things are going well for you and dear wossname.",
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"I apologize for taking so long to write you: it's just that I hate your guts.",
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"Found any tasty roadkill lately?",
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"It's finally cooling off here.",
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"It's been hot as hell here!",
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"The mice are after my lucky charms.",
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"Everything's going great in the new place.",
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"I hope everyone is your family is still mostly free of bullet holes.",
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"How are the kids?",
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"Things here are crazy as usual.",
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"My feet look like tomatoes!",
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"I really appreciated that forward you sent me.",
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"Sometimes I wish I were a shark, and could eat my boss.",
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"Do you ever see the resemblance between scrambled eggs and WWII-era British gunboats?",
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"Boy, does our dog fart a lot!"
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];
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shit = [
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"We're only now recovering from our guests.",
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"Sometimes I wonder if my body parts are made of toast.",
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"Did you catch the latest episode of popular reality show?",
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"I should probably go pee.",
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"The dog has been eating a lot of poo lately.",
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"Ha ha ha!",
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"But like I always say, \"if you can't stand the heat, bomb the utilites department!\"",
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"Beets are an under-utilized fruit when it comes to industrial construction techniques, don't you think?",
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"We've been doing a lot of work on the toilet in the last few weeks.",
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"Mom never told me it would be like this when I grew up!",
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"Know what I mean?",
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"Sometimes I like to dress up and play nurse with the neighbors.",
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"Our plants are doing well.",
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"Doug is finally out on parole.",
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"Yesterday, little Jimmy blew up another Dairy Queen.",
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"The weather here has been really weathery in recent days.",
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"The doctor says I have a good chance of recovery if I can quit eating glass.",
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"Last month we investigated different uses for a bloody, severed arm.",
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"Congolese mercenaries have taken our food processor hostage and are demanding a ransom.",
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"Hey, will snake venom stain silk?",
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"I keep digging and digging but I don't think I'm ever going to get those pesky shinbones out of my legs.",
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"My bowel movements have never been better!",
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"I got screened for colon cancer last week.",
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"Who knew?",
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"Turns out those lumps in my legs were something called \"kneecaps\".",
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"The lawn is a constant source of stress.",
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"Yesterday I fell down the stairs.",
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"No, really!",
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"We keep hearing about these killer bees, but I think they're just a myth.",
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"This summer we're going to try ice fishing for the first time!",
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"Yesterday I won the statewide tiddlywinks championship!",
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"Sometimes I just want to give up.",
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"Junior finally made first chair in marching band, not that you'd care.",
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"Aunt Marge is finally talking about getting out of prostitution.",
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"Thank goodness!",
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"Ever notice how if you sit around long enough, you start to get dusty?",
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"Do you know how to get blood out of carpet? I mean, a lot of it.",
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"I've also noticed a sharp increase in the number of leprechauns dancing in the sink."
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];
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closing = [
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"Well, I'd better be going.",
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"Oops, the dog just puked on the baby!",
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"Whoa Nellie, the TV just exploded!",
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"Uh oh, I think that burning smell is coming from the kitchen!",
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"I'd love to keep writing, but actually I wouldn't.",
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"Hey, nice writing you, but please don't respond or I'll have to do it again.",
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"Keep in touch!",
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"I hate your guts!",
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"Wow, was that a meteor that just hit the shed?",
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"I'd love to keep writing but I have to stare at my fingernails now.",
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"Oh hey look at the time.",
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"We're all eagerly anticipating your next insane diatribe.",
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"Please keep the letters coming! We're running out of kindling for the stove!",
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"Talk to you later."
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];
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function choice(a) {
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var max = Math.floor(a.length * Math.random());
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return a[max];
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}
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function init() {
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document.getElementById("intro").textContent = choice(intro);
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document.getElementById("first").textContent = choice(first);
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document.getElementById("closer").textContent = choice(closing);
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var nshits = Math.floor(Math.random() * 5) + 5;
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var shits = [];
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for (var i = 0; i < nshits; i += 1) {
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shits.push(choice(shit));
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}
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document.getElementById("shits").textContent = shits.join(" ");
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}
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window.addEventListener("load", init);
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</script>
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